new and already grateful
Hi, I'm Rita and I have been searching the web since about 10pm (it's now 3 am)looking desperately for answers to what is wrong with me. I've been feeling out of my mind periodically for months, and today was horrible - sunk in depression punctuated by terror, way beyond anxiety, about the work I am NOT getting done when I feel like this...helpless and hopeless. I could not really find a name for what was wrong, just this dread about the fact that I have no concept of time at all and can't get a grip on time, that time is some mysterious powerful enemy I cannot master no matter how smart I am or how hard I try. My husband has dyslexia and I thought, I must have something similar only instead of letters and numbers, my brain can't process time. After being sober 25 years, in codependent recovery 18 years, and free from compulsive eating for 8 years, I was now convinced that some sort of physiological mental illness was setting in. Still not sure it isn't, but finding this site was sure a relief. I definitely recognize the broad pattern of addiction in this thing I'm feeling/doing. I've always been a late-nik, and even as a child had trouble "transitioning," changing from one activity to another. But after the booze, control and food were gone, the "time management" slid completely out of control. In the last 2 years it has gotten so bad that I have been shamed out of my home AA group (coupla people thought if they publicly humiliated me every time I was late, it would cure me), had bitter arguments with friends to whom promptness is a sign of respect, and am at serious risk of losing my business over failing to complete contracted work on time. I enjoyed reading the posts here and I do identify - are there sponsors and stepwork here? Thanks to whoever started this site. You have been "an instrument of peace."