Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

Step 6: Were entirely ready ...

I've been home sick two days so had plenty of time to dig into some Step work.  I've been miserable lately due to my resistance to accepting my current Life on Life's Terms. Identified that I'm still in withdrawal from the crack cocaine of fame (I had a little in the 90s) (fame, not crack, lol) and that has messed up my judgment of what actually matters to my HP.

My self-determined objective was to be a major influence for good in the world, and for awhile I had daily opportunities to do that. So now I work alone in a totally unrelated field researching, writing reports, and occasionally traveling to meet with total strangers for whom my former credentials are irrelevant. All while trying to keep my dear disabled husband from ODing on insulin or his 13 other meds, and wrestling daily with the backlog of personal paperwork that stands as a monument to my resistance. My Ego is crying out, "God, how can THIS be your will for me? Remember ME?  I'm the one who used to have such influence for good and inspire so many people to consider your ways!  Surely you don't mean for my life to become this meaningless...do you?"

After reading the Big Book, AA and OA Twelve Step books and some writings from my Christian faith, and writing most of the day about this struggle, I'm confronted with this reality:  God's idea of significance is not my idea of significance.  And since God is either everything or He is nothing, His objective is perfect, and mine is imperfect. He sees the whole tapestry; I can barely see the next stitch. 

To put it personally: For reasons I am not privieleged to know today, God apparently thinks it is more important for me to do the boring, mundane tasks of my present existence, than to influence thousands of people for His kingdom.  It doesn't make any sense to me - but where do I get off thinking that my 3 lbs of brain can wrap itself around God's thinking, anyway?  Step 6 tells me that willingness is essential, and if I am unwilling I should pray until it comes.  So I'm praying.

((Agnus)))

Hi Agnus!  One particular thing you said jumped out at me

All while trying to keep my dear disabled husband from ODing on insulin or his 13 other meds, 

Do not do yourself down.  Caring for a chronically ill/disabled partner is a huge task on its own, and may be the main task God asks of you at the moment. You might be interested in a support group that I have found immensely helpful called the Well Spouse Association. http://www.wellspouse.org/ Membership of their forum is free for the first year.

I've been a "well spouse" for most of my married life, and didn't realise unless my husband passed away a month ago just how much of my time and energies in the last few years were wrapped up in the basic tasks of caring for him, and keeping my job going to earn the money for us both.

Here's praying you find peace in whatever you are called to do.

H.

 

@Hyaptia

Thank you thank you thank you!  I have been seeking this kind of support but all the local groups are 45 minutes away and meet on schedules that are not helpful.  This appears to be a great option  Bless you, Hypatia!

"My boundaries enclose a pleasant land." Psalm 16

re: step 6

i had to look up step 6:

6. Were entirely rady to have God remove all these defects of character.

Wow, yeah i wish i was there, but i have to admit, i'm not. I havent been able to do step 2 either ("the searching and fearless inventory").

Agnus, thanks for sharing this. It seems very profound what you're going thru. I prayed for you, and prayed about what to write to try to sense the spirit's leading.

While i dont think i was ever as "famous" as you ;) i have wondered the very same thing, that the things i do--this disease i struggle with--how can that be Your grand plan? And, like you, i dont really have any answers, just trust.

But i do know one thing. My disease has humbled me. 10 years ago i would have looked down on people with some judgement, thinking maybe i would never fall that far. Very suble, but it was in my heart. Not even sure if it was totally conscious. But now i have had to admit--and this was a very painful journey with many hopes and dreams dashed--that i COULD fall that far. And i am no better. Certainly an attitude Jesus intends me to have ;). I kinda think of that as a little preview of the Good things God is doing in my life. I can't see most of them, but this one thing helps me trust that all will work together for good, as long as i keep loving Him.

I love this verse for times like this:


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

That is so full of hope!!

the touch of the master's hand: http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/1898#comment-27748

fall down seven times, get up eight - japanese proverb

bookmarks

thanks, clement

Love that Jeremiah verse, really apropos.  I need to tattoo it inside my eyelids or somethin!  Right beside the large tatto that says "HUMILITY, Stoopid!" :-)

Guess I got my sense of humor back, after getting over the flu-bug and the ego-ugg. Nothing like a little Stepwork to flatten that ego.  I love this way of life.  Not always the actual daily grind, but the Way. Very precious.

"My boundaries enclose a pleasant land." Psalm 16

agree

it is very precious!

the touch of the master's hand: http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/1898#comment-27748

fall down seven times, get up eight - japanese proverb

bookmarks

(Agnus)

I hear you. I feel somewhat stripped of everything myself. I had to be shown and accept  my HP was enough, and knew better than me, starting to see it now.  It does help to get extra support , to get through the hard times, I hope you can.  Vic

@vic

thanks, friend. I know you understand. :*

"My boundaries enclose a pleasant land." Psalm 16