Step 6: Were entirely ready ...
I've been home sick two days so had plenty of time to dig into some Step work. I've been miserable lately due to my resistance to accepting my current Life on Life's Terms. Identified that I'm still in withdrawal from the crack cocaine of fame (I had a little in the 90s) (fame, not crack, lol) and that has messed up my judgment of what actually matters to my HP.
My self-determined objective was to be a major influence for good in the world, and for awhile I had daily opportunities to do that. So now I work alone in a totally unrelated field researching, writing reports, and occasionally traveling to meet with total strangers for whom my former credentials are irrelevant. All while trying to keep my dear disabled husband from ODing on insulin or his 13 other meds, and wrestling daily with the backlog of personal paperwork that stands as a monument to my resistance. My Ego is crying out, "God, how can THIS be your will for me? Remember ME? I'm the one who used to have such influence for good and inspire so many people to consider your ways! Surely you don't mean for my life to become this meaningless...do you?"
After reading the Big Book, AA and OA Twelve Step books and some writings from my Christian faith, and writing most of the day about this struggle, I'm confronted with this reality: God's idea of significance is not my idea of significance. And since God is either everything or He is nothing, His objective is perfect, and mine is imperfect. He sees the whole tapestry; I can barely see the next stitch.
To put it personally: For reasons I am not privieleged to know today, God apparently thinks it is more important for me to do the boring, mundane tasks of my present existence, than to influence thousands of people for His kingdom. It doesn't make any sense to me - but where do I get off thinking that my 3 lbs of brain can wrap itself around God's thinking, anyway? Step 6 tells me that willingness is essential, and if I am unwilling I should pray until it comes. So I'm praying.