I was voted "Biggest Procrastinator" by my high school's graduating class...
I have looked at PA once or twice in the course of late night
procrastination, and here I am again, avoiding the things I ought to be
doing--I know that say you shouldn't say "I should, or have to do this"
but I'm having a hard time changing my mindset. Of course, I want to do
things properly and on time. I want others to be able to depend on me
and not think of me as a flake. I've been procrastinating for a long,
long time. I can't remember not procrastinating. Probably when I was a
kid and everything was regulated by my mother. I had always gotten good
marks in junior high, and reasonably good marks in high school. My
average was above an 80%, but I felt that I could do better, because I
knew I lost points because I left all my projects until the last minute.
My high school's graduating class actually voted me the "Biggest
Procrastinator." That's not something you want to be remembered
for...It feels shameful.
In university, it got worse. In my
fourth year, writing papers was the thing I wanted to avoid the most.
Luckily, I was doing a BFA, and most of my work was hands-on, so I
mostly had to worry about Art History papers, but those were late every
time. That year I had also found a new reason to procrastinate. I had
fallen in love, but unfortunately, my feelings weren't reciprocated. It
was my first, real experience with being in love with someone. I was
stuck in limbo for months, unsure because things were left unclear after
a confession, until I discovered he had been dating a friend of mine in
secret a couple of months. He started dating her a month after he found
out how I felt about him, and he never really made any clear response
to me. They didn't want to ruin the last few months of college for us
(the girl's ex boyfriend, also a mutual friend). Anyway, that whole
mess gave me another reason to procrastinate. I was in emotional crisis
while I was trying to finish a paper and could not force myself to
finish it. I procrastinated like I never had before. I explained my
situation to my professor and ended up seeing a counselor, and because
of that she gave me leniency.
Next year I started at a new
school in a new city for a new degree. I ended up failing a film history
intro class because I cold not write my final essay. There was only
one. I was unaware of the due date, and then tried to write it when it
was already late and ended up giving up. The next semester I had the
same problem. I felt like I couldn't write the essay at all. It was
getting worse every time. I ended up talking with my Mom who scheduled
me an appointment with a life coach. That was a really uncomfortable
experience because it seemed that her main goal was trying to get me to
cry and connect with a "past life". She said that problems like mine
sometimes manifested in past lives and told me of another woman she had
worked with. It caught me off-guard because she had told me she was a
Christian...Anyway, suffienctly weirded out I tried later to see a
school counselor...when it was already late in the semester and things
were already past-due. I was scheduled for another meeting but missed it
and was afraid to try and schedule another one because I felt guilty
that I hadn't gone to the meeting. I think their policy is that if you
miss a meeting without calling about it, you have to start all over.
in my final year again and I feel stressed, because I know things are
piling up, and I feel like I'm letting people down. My room is a
shambles. I want to be so much better. I want to be successful. I don't
think that procrastinators can be successful in the long run. I want
to be free. I have a tendency to blame the internet for my
procrastination, but it's more of a symptom than the disease. I can find
plenty of other ways to distract myself...
I'm pleased to meet you all and become a part of this community.