Not buying into step 1 of the 12 steps

I have no wish to argue with anyone on this subject and I hope I'm not making a mistake by speaking up, but in the spirit of the 12th Step I thought I'd relate a couple things I've learned through personal experience.

First, bonafides: I don't even call myself an atheist because that would imply feeling strongly enough about it to have a belief that there's no "God." I just never got the whole God thing; never spent two minutes thinking about it until I started going to 12 Step meetings in my mid-30s. I grew up among hippies, punks, marxists, and liberals in the Northeast; far as I know I never had a single friend who attended church or thought about god, my parents weren't interested, I was never close to ANYONE who was interested. I didn't think about god and religion as anything other than an interesting object for anthropological study — "I mean, obviously it's myth; do people really think there's a Supreme Being or Man in the Sky or any sort of sentient, self-aware, organizing and omnipotent intelligence up there? That's just so bizarre to me." That's the kind of thought I would have. (And still have, though usually without the judgmental edge.)

Nevertheless, the 12 Steps are at the center of my life today, and have been for years.

Before I started going to meetings, I was genuinely prejudiced against religions and religious people. (Today I still see a lot of bad energies at work in organized religion, but I also see a lot of good that I had no understanding of back then.) In the summer of 2001 someone I trust bluntly and forcefully showed me that I needed help and convinced me that I'd find it in 12 Step fellowships. But it was six months before I actually mustered the courage to walk into a room for a meeting. I was afraid of the people, afraid I'd find myself sitting with people who'd want to brainwash me and turn me into a cult member.

When I finally DID go, out of desperation, I doubt I would have stuck with it had I not been attending meetings in New York City — in every meeting, there were LOTS of atheists, and Jews, and Sikhs and Buddhists and witches and, yes, Catholics and Protestants and Muslims. All races, ages, businessmen, drag queens, punks, erudite academics. All kinds. It was just pretty much self-evident that you didn't have to change stripes. I wasn't going to become unrecognizable to myself and everyone who knew me. I wasn't going to be coerced; in fact, no one ever gave me so much as a sales pitch. I could just come and sit there and I'd be tolerated even if I never said a peep (which I didn't, for a couple months) or I said I thought something I read in the book was bullshit (which I did, frequently). People were friendly, but nobody ever grilled me — in fact I had to go out of my way to get advice; I'd say, "I'm really struggling with X, I just don't know what to do, etc" and whoever I was talking to would then say "well, keep coming back" or maybe "would you like some feedback? And it's fine if you're not comfortable with that..." I was going to be allowed to find my own way. Or not. I'd have to decide, day after day, whether or not I wanted what the Steps and the fellowships had to offer.

The answer is Yes, for me.

I love a pithy phrase or aphorism, and the most concise expression of the spirit of the 12 Steps I know of comes from a Harvard-trained historian named Ernest Kurtz. Not an alcoholic himself, he nonetheless chose Alcoholics Anonymous as the subject of his doctoral dissertation; it was published under the title Not-God. That's the foundational insight of the 12 Steps. Anyone who's experienced addiction knows those moments where the dust settles for at least a few minutes (or seconds, even), and you can see crystal-clear that what you're doing is making you desperately unhappy, is ruining your life and wreaking havoc all around you, and you have no fucking clue how to stop doing it. That you're not going to "figure it out." That you've run into something that's bigger, smarter, and much stronger than you — and that wants to sabotage every dream, rob you of every last joy, and, eventually, kill you. That would rather you not exist at all than leave it behind. "Not-God" means limited, not omniscient, not omnipotent. And definitely without enough self-propelled power to overcome the addiction. I've had way too many experiences of these "bottoms" — experiences of utter desolation and hopelessness and self-hate where I can only say "Well, I'm fucked. I have no idea what to do. I'm probably just going to go back to chasing my compulsion because at least it obscures the pain for a little while, but it's all downhill from here."

That's Step 1. The rest of the Steps are about finding and channeling a solution to the problem Step 1 describes. Strangely enough, I need the awful reality of Step 1 — because without it, there's no way I'd follow the prescription. From AA's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions:

Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.'s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harms done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect — unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.

The 12 Steps are a Way, a Path, a Solution. 12 Step people call it a "program of spiritual action." For me, what makes it a spiritual program is that, when I look clearly at my experience of addiction — at how truly bankrupt I am within myself of the power to stop it — I see that I really might as well lay down all my defenses and razor-sharp opinions and ask, with a naked vulnerability heretofore unthinkable, for help from whoever and whatever can give it. All my life I've never really trusted in anything other than what I know and what I can touch. With Step 1, it begins to become possible for me to do trust falls into arms that I may not even actually see.

I don't have to believe that it's "God's" arms that will catch me. (I personally work with a Buddhist conception of higher power — not theistic at all.) But I do have to tip over backwards and take the fall. I have to practice trust and dependence on something outside myself.

Well, I'm an atheist, so the 12 steps is a non-starter for me from the git-go. The powerlessness declaration is just the same prostration before a deity that is the first step in every religious belief system I know of, and I honestly can't go there. I'm not a young kid, and I've heard all the arguments about how I can say the universe is my higher power and so on. It just doesn't wash. I have never been religious. I didn't pray when one of my kids was in the intensive care unit, and I doubt I'll ever be that scared again. It's unfortunate that it's so hard to be openly athetist tyese days. I don't know what it was like to be a Christian, for example, back in, say, 100 A.D., but today it you admit you're an atheist you will be treated like a leper, if you're lucky. If there's any politician, for instance, who admits to atheism, I'm not aware of any. I suppose I could easily pretend to be a believer in higher powers and all that. But the truth is, I can't ever see myself believing any of that. I find it difficult enough to accept that the vast majority of people, including a huge number who are far, far smarter and better-informed than I am, claim to believe it. It's weird, but it seems to be so. Anyway, I'm doing fine as an atheist and I have no need or desire to start believing in higher powers, or my own powerlessness. You guys feel free to believe whatever you want to, of course. This message is just to others of my own persuasion, to let them know that they are not alone.

In my personal belief system, there are two aspects to my "self".

I have my "ordinary everyday self" that is caught up in addictive behavior patterns, and seems to be "stuck". No matter what this little self tries, she simply cannot seem to get beyond the problem behavior. She is stuck in her box, and her own best thinking doesn't seem to have any effect. Why? Because somehow, her natural healthy behavior got warped in some way, originally as a coping mechanism, and eventually as an addictive behavior pattern. In this sense, when I'm living as that aspect of my "self" ... I am powerless over my procrastination addiction.
But there is also the OTHER part of my "self". This is what might be referred to as "My Higher Self" or "Wiser Self". My higher/wiser self is the aspect of my self that is harmony with the universe. She has the power to reach out and live in a greater wiser way. When I get in touch with Her, I am empowered by the Universe .... because this is my TRUE self.

I believe that I am both of these selves. Or that they are one single self with two aspects.

Regarding the concept of "character defects" or "shortcomings":

Who I *truly* am might be referred to as:

• my soul,
• wiser self,
• the part of me that is one with Creation,
• the person I was meant to be,
• the wondrous person of integrety that I am underneath all the layers of craziness, etc.

Due to unhelpful patterns .... I've fallen short of the 'character' or 'ideal' of who I *truly* am. This is how *I* see the phrase "character defect" or "shortcoming". For me, the concept of "character defect" or "shortcoming" that the 12step work refers to .... for me this is simply a terminology that refers to an *observation* of saying that I am a worthwhile person who has something broken and in need of repair.

It's not a value judgment or something to "shame" me with. I myself the human being am not "defective" or "bad". My true self is a child of the Universe, totally whole and worthwhile and worthy, despite my unhelpful behavior patterns.

Step Two says we can be "Restored to Sanity". For me, that implies that we are inherently sane, and that somehow, patterns of thinking/feeling/actions led us to fall away from living a sane lifestyle, ...., but we *CAN* be restored to being our truly wondrous selves.

A "power greater than ourselves", for me, is a "Greater Wisdom" that is outside our normal everyday patterns.  When we link with that greater wisdom, we empower our higher true selves to change the patterns of our ordinary "stuck" selves.

If you are uncomfortable with the word "God", you can substitute "Higher Power"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higher_Power

You could use the "Collective Wisdom of All Those Who Have Recovered From This Addiction" as your Higher Power.

From Chapter One of the Big Book of A.A. :

{begin quote} The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified. I didn't like the idea. I could go for such conceptions as Creative Intelligence, Universal Mind or Spirit of Nature but I resisted the thought of a Czar of the Heavens, however loving His sway might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way.

My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"

That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. {end quote}

If you find anybody's references to religious clerics are not relevant to you, you could choose to substitute "philosopher/organizational-consultant/psychologist" or "wise mentor" -- for their "priest/minister/rabbi". Whatever works for you.

You can also choose to substitute the word "inspirational" for the word "spiritual".

Note: There are some atheists who practice the twelve steps use "G.O.D." as an acronym that stands for a "Good Orderly Direction" -- which is what they're seeking in their lives.

I think it has to do with the extent of the problem.  It’s like the difference between the problem drinker and the true alcoholic.  If a person can control his or her procrastination, either at-will or when faced with negative consequences, then perhaps it is simply a bad habit or character defect.  A supportive group, time management methods, and accountability may be enough for this person to change the negative behaviors.   If that is all one needs, then what a wonderful situation it must be to find the resources to facilitate that positive change.  I applaud all those who are able to take responsibility for themselves and make such changes. 

On the other hand, someone who addictively or compulsively procrastinates cannot change or control his/her behavior.  Broken promises to self and others, failed attempts to change, a pattern of spiraling downward on the procrastination journey, all point to a person who may need additional help.   

I have tried the support group, time management, and accountability methods.  It is not enough.  I cannot force myself to be on time and complete tasks on time; my attempts have failed, and I have reached the point where I am ready to admit that I need help.  I have “hit bottom.”  I’ve started doing Step One because I accept that my life is unmanageable and out-of-control in this arena.  I know that the steps work because in another arena, I am a changed person.  So in this arena, I am willing to trust the 12 step process.  It’s not about giving up; it’s an acknowledgement that I absolutely cannot pick myself up by my own bootstraps, so I am willing to do what it takes to seek the help of a Higher Power.  This is how I can take responsibility for myself.  (The question about atheists is a different topic.)

My attempts to change have left me feeling like a failure.  Others have tried to tell me to change, "just do it," and the shame has driven me deeper into the problem.   Only someone else who is truly powerless can understand, and I am grateful for those people.  Please do not make assumptions about what others can and cannot do; each person has their individual experience in life.

Take what you like and leave the rest.  Each person decides what path to take.

I do have other "addictions" and after coming to PA for over a year, for me, I right now, I believe the procratination is more of a shortcoming or defect, closely related, and part of the "addictive personality". That is why this site is so perfect, the 12 steps can be used even if this site is not set up autonomously. It still works.