Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.
the feelings between the action and us
Dear procrastinators,
I haven't been writing for a long time but luckily, for the first time in 28 years and with much satisfaction, I have been doing. Not as much as I could but enough to make me feel different and hopeful. This is how the story goes:
I had put on the table lots of little stripes of paper, each with a small task written on it. I had done some. Now it was the turn of "wash the dishes". A pile of dishes sat in the sink. I sighed my compulsive-procrastinator sigh, the one procrastinators know. I was feeling a bit mortified:
There I was, 28 years old, having to gather all my strenght and having to fight all sorts of evils, just to wash a pile of dishes, while my friends were studying for their second degree or something like that.. But I had resolved to fight and that's what I did. I stepped into the kitchen as if it was fire. I started washing dishes and as I watched the water going down the drain, I could feel a lump in my throat and a devastating sense of solitude and fear. My teacher had been right: doing, for me, was suffering. That's why I could never bring myself to do things.
It made me feel uneasy, lost, alone. And there, in front of the dishes I had a sort of an epiphany, brought to me by a memory from my childhood. I understood why I had attached to action and therefore life a whole set of negative feelings. From then on, I started to change and to engage in activities and tasks in a completely different way..
I understood that I had made my own a feeling of imprisonment in life which I had witnessed in my parents. Action (especially the one directed to me during my life: feeding me, washing me) seemed to be done with a greal deal of sacrifice. Therefore I thought that dealing with everyday life tasks made my mother unhappy and wanting to be somewhere else, and I felt guilty for her unhappiness..I'm not saying that this is true but it was anyhow my perception as a child. I must say that since this epiphany I have been feeling much better and doing much more than I have ever done. I took out of the box and dusted some old dreams and I am now pursuing them..in action, in life, with gratitude.I know this is quite personal but I have been living the nightmare of procrastination and have been very unhappy, therefore wanted to share this in case someone could benefit from it..Between us and action there's a feeling, a feeling that blocks us..understanding it was very important for me..like releasing..the ghost. I think it's important to understand what is REALLY preventing us from doing.
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Domani, thank you so much
Domani, thank you so much for sharing - this is wonderful (and very well written - I'm a blocked writer who's just getting back into writing as well, so I'm really happy to see that you started writing again.)
(Domani)
I loved your share, and the truth so, so elequently written.
”"doing for me, was suffering” Me too, I thought about it, why? I suppose, parents, yes, alcoholic background, never did anything “good enough” to this day, I do not even tell my mom my job, my life, etc. It is invariably discussed and criticized and then followed up with disrespectful phone calls, articles in the mail, etc., etc. telling me how wrong I am.
.“I understood that I had made my own a feeling of imprisonment in life which I had witnessed in my parents. Action (especially the one directed to me during my life: feeding me, washing me) seemed to be done with a greal deal of sacrifice. Therefore I thought that dealing with everyday life tasks made my mother unhappy and wanting to be somewhere else, and I felt guilty for her unhappiness."
Boy could I relate-"I picked up so many unhealthy ways of dealing with my feelings, food, alcohol, avoidance, etc., etc. and yes, many of them got to the point where just knowing where they came from did not give me the power to stop alone. I have found recovery in the 12 step groups and have made some progress with PA, but it has gotten to the point where only my HP can relieve me in this one (again). But as my other issues, it is good, it keeps me on my knees (where I belong) and I did pray to my HP that I please never go back to the food or alcohol, and guess what? Here I am, so I guess he answered my prayers, still reminding me I am powerless and I need to depend on him today just like I did that 1st day in my other stuff.I recently read Louise Hays”“But know that the ultimate key to happiness lies not in external things , but within you. Feel all your feelings learn to heal yourself.”The Innermost Belief for Everyone I have worked with Is Always,"I'm
Not Good Enough!"
We often add to that, "And I don't do enough," or "I don't deserve"
or "I'm not enough....." Often sound, or implying that "You are not
good enough..." but for whom? And according to whose standards???
If This belief is very strong in you, then how can you possibly have
created a loving, joyous, prosperous, healthy life? Somehow your
main subconscious belief would always be contradicting it. Somehow
you would never quite get it together, for something would always be
going wrong somewhere." And my all time favorite: Acceptance
from p. 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book of AA And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
I think what needs to be changed in me today is getting on my knees and praying and talking to my HP. “I know this is quite personal but I have been living the nightmare of procrastination and have been very unhappy”I can say ditto on that one and this “nightmare of procrastination” seems to be all in the same category of nightmare of food, alcohol, etc. . Another spin off of self will run rampant. But my HP never gives up on me- thank goodness!!
I know this is hurting me but I need to see how this is hurting others as well, esp my kids.
I am grateful to have a place to share. Thanks and thanks for sharing and letting me share.
thank you domani!
That was very brave of you to write that. And it's great to see that you have found the core of your problem. While my core issue is different, I do also think it has something to do with how my parents treated me. In my case, I was a very good student, but when I would get a little lazy or not be able to complete an assignment properly, my mom would often help me to finish. I remember this especially with creative artsy projects. So I think part of my problem in life is that I think in the back of my mind that, if I don't want to do something, someone else will rescue me from it. I won't have to do the ugly tasks. Of course, as an adult, that isn't going to happen. It's a bad habit that probably started years ago, with a very well-intentioned parent. On top of that, I'm good "in the clutch", so I think I can wait until the last moment to do a task.
Thank you for sharing! I wish you continued luck and success! :)