clement's bookmarks 2
my sig is getting too long, so this is my answer to that. Eg, the day i created this, i added the three circles tool.
How do i view myself?
It is important. It should last. It should be something i would look back on after 40 years and say, yes, that's who i was / am. I dont want to look back and say, well i was close but i was a bit rash in deciding who / what i was. I should want to tell my grandkids and other family members and feel like it is true and reasonable.
so i will give myself time to think this thru. I can try self-images on for size for several months or years and see how they fit. And discard or adjust them as necessary.
I wrote this on 10/06/2012 and i still agree 1/14/2013. That's 3 months. On 1/14/2013 i added the dopamine part.
I believe i am an addict. Meaning daily, i am compelled to do things that are not in my best interest and against God's will, or am unable to do things that are in my best interest and according to God's will.
I'm glad i'm an addict. cuz the 12 steps constrain one's whole life to conform entirely within a set of restrictions chosen to prevent succumbing to the addition. Because for the alcoholic, there is nothing more important than avoiding a drink, cuz 1 drink leads to drunkenness and drunkenness has a powerful negative effect on their whole lives, ending in job loss, divorce and death. So it is prudent and rational to base one's whole life first and foremost on this one thing--avoiding alcohol.
however, for christians, an all-encompassing devotion to god and love of god is biblical. So as an addict i have the advantage of taking upon myself this yoke of 12 steps, with the change of goals from "avoid drinking" to "give my life to god".
1/14/2013 : I believe i have detected a chemical (dopamine) component. I often have a spontaneous, irrational urge to go off plan. usually to surf the net, but could be watch TV, eat something, even clean something--ANYTHING that's not on plan. There is a clue here: I even get the urge to do a task that is on my list, but NOT the next planned task. The important thing is that it was not planned, not what the task is. That is an important clue. And it feels very much like a "hit" as drug addicts describe it. Staying on plan, OTOH, is boring. I read somewhere that ADD sufferers have a dopamine problem. Dopamine is the main neurochemical that makes us feel "happy". For the ADD sufferer, "normal" life does not trigger enuf dopamine response. So that means the normal person is receiving more of a dopamine "hit" off the tasks of everyday life than the ADD sufferer. So the ADD sufferer needs to get their hit thru their impulsive behavior. I believe it is similar with me. Planned tasks do not deliver the same dopamine response in me. That's why i feel withdrawal symptoms. Going off plan does provide a hit.
It is possible, then, that "demand resistance" happens because doing that long-overdue project creates dopamine depletion w/in the procrastinators brain. And maybe that's why it takes a spiritual approach, because we're not getting the physical feedback necessary to do the task, we need a dopamine punch from another source.
Knowing I'm an addict and will always be is not defeating, it is liberating cuz now I know exactly how to deal w myself. No delusions or wishful thinking. And thanks to PA I do know how to deal w myself.
- AA Big Book on fears : relying on God not self-reliance:
We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. p68 AA Big Book. http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_68.htm
This is too long for a daily post, but i pasted it in my daily posts for weeks, until a designated break came around to do the work of putting it here. until then, i tolerated imperfection. That means God had granted me recovery in this. :))
- )i received a renewed conviction that my past failures should not affect my present. Jesus has washed them away in his blood on the cross. They are no more. God does not remember them. As far as the East is to the West, so has God removed my sins from me. I realized today that remembering this fact faith statement will totally eliminate loss of productivity due to guilt, fear, feeling like a failure, and escapism. That's a huge chunk, but not all of it
Clement's Causes of Lost Productivity:
- (FORGIVENESS CURES) fear
- (FORGIVENESS CURES) fear of failure
- today i am just anxious i might fail
- (FORGIVENESS CURES) feeling like a failure
- (FORGIVENESS CURES) dread
- (FORGIVENESS CURES) guilt
- (FORGIVENESS CURES) escapism
- getting distracted and not realizing it
- dopamine deficiency (this is related to fear and dread--same thing?)
- the touch of the master's hand
- "fall down seven times, get up eight" --japanese proverb
- A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
- "progress not perfection"
- seek god in your uncomfortable place, dont just look for an exit. May your longing to kneel be greater than your longing to be healed
- From Fingerprints of God bible study my wife is doing
- struggles with motivation, distraction, and procrastination could be god shaping me. The actions of the veterinarian do not feel like healing to the animal
- This is not the same as me improving or even changing myself. It is rather being open to and letting god change me.
- "Be not afraid of going slowly; be only afraid of standing still" --chinese proverb
- "The only way along a long path is one step at a time. I can take a step."
- the "its not due for another week" attitude
- "If you have made mistakes...there is always another chance for you...you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down." Mary Pickford, American actress
- "You dont have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step" --Martin Luther King Jr
- people often say that motivation doesnt last. Well, neither does bathing--that's why we recommend it daily.
- we're like alcoholics trying to recover in a bar
- How would we know if we were sober?
- the "three circles" tool
- procrastinating by studying procrastination
- if we get behind, just try to create "the best catch-up plan"
- typical use of chat and the check-in board
- "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence."
- -napoleon bonaparte
- Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection. -Mark Twain
- Small scraps can make a beautiful whole even if each one is not perfect.
- "If we are far from perfect, that's okay. It only matters that we are working at getting better."
- "My boundaries enclose a pleasant land." Psalm 16
- so pleasant. from sig, eg, from url http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/3998#comment-52368
- "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett
- "higherpower please help me set aside everything i think i know about myself, my problem, the solution, and even you higherpower. ... So that i can have an open mind and open heart for a NEW experience of myself, the problem, the solution, and higherpower!"
- from movingalong in chat
- movingalong's adaptation of a prayer to St. Joseph:
- Signs of Procrastination adapted from Debters Anonymous - by Gwen D
- "When We Retire at Night" (from Alcoholics Anonymous – page 85-86)
© 2001 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it. It would be easy to be vague about this matter. Yet, we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions.
► When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.
1. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?
2. Do we owe an apology?
3. Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?
4. Were we kind and loving toward all?
5. What could we have done better?
6. Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?
7. Or, were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?
[for clement, this is very important, emphasis mine:]
8. But we must be careful not to drift into ...
• remorse or
• morbid reflection,
... for that would diminish our usefulness to others.
► After making our review, we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
- "A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else." - John Burroughs
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
- "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
- Vivian Green
- 'It is better to light a candle,
than curse the darkness'
- Chinese Proverb.
- "there is nothing obviously needing to be done, no iminant deadlines. This kind of day is exactly what I need to master." - ms
- We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
- This was a god siting shared in the eve program on Wed 7/17 at our Keansburg, NJ Mission Trip (Superstorm Sandy recovery). It was on a sign hanging in a restaurant that was destroyed by superstorm sandy, then rebuilt using doors found in the wreckage.
Don't tell god how big ur storm is.
Tell ur storm how big god is.
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- from: url here
- new items above here ^ in edit mode copy-n-paste the above snippet and use the first one, leaving the 2nd one for the next iteration
- code to cut-n-paste for new people:
Our hang-outs are the <a href="/forum/6">Daily Check-ins</a> at http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/forum/6 (you can see today's on the right sidebar), and <a href="/chatbox">chat </a> at http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/chatbox which is also in a tab at the top.
Use the tools however they work for you. Check-in is the more permanent, concrete to do list - accountability place to start your day and refer back to and keep yourself on goal.
The chat is an ongoing motivational tool to help you stick to your check in. It's also a place to "talk yourself thru things." And, while working, ppl can hear chat beeps going off. we call that "beeps of solidarity" because it's comforting to know that we're all in this together, that people are in chat working thru their issues just like you, even if you're not reading the actual posts.
<a href="/node/2471">more info on the mechanics of checking in</a> is at url: http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/2471
<a href="/node/386">P.A. Meeting Materials</a> page (which is < http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/386 >) and there's a link there for <a href="/files/PA_Tools.html">PA Tools for Recovery</a> which is at < http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/files/PA_Tools.html >
- how i got chat working
- online meeting format text
- my danger zones
- when i make mistakes or something doesnt work out. I feel like a failure and it's debilitating
- when the computer is taking a long time do something--easy to click on another window and get lost for hours
- when nothing is particularly pressing right now--no sense of urgency, easy to do anything and everything else
- when the bulk of the task is done, and onlycleaning up loose ends remains
- when faced with 2 or more pressing things, and i have to decide among them
- the beginning of the day, when i feel like i have lots of time
- the beginning of a vacation / the weekend, when i feel like i have lots of time
- time to have quiet time, especially time to
pray/meditate/re-give myself to god
- reason 1: i resist, for no good reason, and can look for anything and everything else to do
- reason 2: i start getting into it and thinking of all the really cool philosophical and theological god things, and things god and/or i might do/say.
- checking email--might see an "interesting" link and get distracted for hours
- when i feel like something's done, and i feel like i'm going to make progress on the next thing, but i have to GO BACK to the first thing. I feel like dont make any progress til i get BACK to the 2nd thing, and that demotivates me. Especially if it's 2 or 3 things i have to go back and spend more time on.
- when i realize something's harder than i thot
- when i realize i can't finish by the time i predicted. I feel like a failure and that demotivates me. But the other day i did 20 min of the hour i had left, instead of squandering the 20 min by sulking / avoiding.
- when switching from one task to the other ("transition")
- when i put time into something and discover it was wasted. REGARDLESS of whether i could have known that or not. Makes me feel like a buffoon failure waste of time and i want to blank out the situation with distractions.
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- my first posts--20 mar 2008
- 2--sharing my story and trying to help others
- 3--acting like i've been around a while, helping someone else, but finally trying to help myself
- 4--finally, ONLY about my own recovery, NOT trying to help someone else =)
Clement's standard routine if i do these, i should succeed
- only 1hr to work out, if i dont, ive lost it
- only 30min for quiet time
- scheduled tasks for the day/week; always be working
toward a schedule based on future deliverables
- do my 3 or 4 beginning of day quick maint tasks
- set 15 min timer; ci w/ pa chat
- music every hour
- check in with pa every hour or few
- see q:/a/j/NN.txt
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when all else fails
clement of 3/18/2009 writes to clement of the future: when all else fails, when you have no motivation, when you can't imagine that things will get any better, when you know the tools and what has worked for you in the past, but you can't bring yourself to step on the path of recovery...
wait on the lord
recall that recovery, indeed salvation, enlightenment and all spiritual growth, is something that god does to you, not something that you can do. All you can do is let it be done to you.
no matter how great your desire to save yourself, it is not possible. You are free to try, but it will not have final results. You must just wait
so if you find yourself at the bottom of a dark pit with no escape, that is the true state of the soul without god. All you can do is wait for god to hang down a rope. then you can use god's rope to climb out.
- but those who wait on the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. isa 40:31
- Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Isaiah 45:9
- Although you may have to suffer for a short time in various trials. Such trials show the proven character of your faith, which is much more valuable than gold gold that is tested by fire, even though it is passing away and will bring praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. You have not seen him, but you love him. You do not see him now but you believe in him, and so you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, because you are attaining the goal of your faith the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9 http://net.bible.org/bible.php?book=1Pe&chapter=1
- I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2
- Be still, and know that I am God Psalm 46:10
- 13 From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth-
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
Jonah 2 (New International Version)
1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
"In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
3 You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
4 I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
5 The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.
7 "When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
8 "Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD."
10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.
Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
- all of Psalm 51, but especially
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
- So he [the angel] said to me, “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty. zechariah 4:6
when you're having a hard time starting your quiet time or pray/med time:
clement of 7/28/2009 writes to clement of the future: i dont know the answer yet, but i think it has to do with stop trying, and just let god do it to you.
- phil 2:12-13Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=57&chapter=2&version=31
- Gal 2:19-21 For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. 20I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" ... 3:3 Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=55&chapter=2&version=31&con...
in my prayer time today, i was given the clarity to ask this question: "next time, when i am reluctant to come surrender myself before you, what should i do? What should i write down in this here bookmarks to get me over the hump?" And i didnt really hear an answer. But i kinda felt like the answer might be, there's nothing you can "do" to make it happen. It has to "just happen". which is interesting. It did not feel like i had to wait on the lord for him to do it. It was more like i had to wait for some chance occurrence that would tip the spiral in the positive (godly, surrendering) direction, and then keep on that spiral. This is based on my life with the flesh, and it's like the evil creatures at fablehaven, they need to be contained thru regular meetings with god, and how that subdues those forces.
The interesting thing here, and it's consistent with other things that have been coming to me, is that the idea of the regular quiet time, the regular meetings w/ god, are to be seen as a sign of weakness, NOT strength, as i have alway thot. I should always be thinking that if i were stronger, i would be able to surrender myself to god of my own power, but because i am weak, i need this uninterrupted influence, sort of like a spell, which needs to be refreshed all day, sort of like taking medicine, or else i'll relapse.
7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 cor 12:7-10
i really think god wants me to never forget that strength from weakness.
11/30/2009: confirmation / elaboration: recently in prayer i was given the idea: there cannot be some reliable way to always get myself back to god. There cannot be some "do xyz" and it will always work. Because if there was, then that thing would be my strength and my refuge, and not god himself. The only thing i can depend on is god himself, and not even my always being one with god, always staying with god, moving back to god, daily quiet time, bible study, prayer, church, none of it. None of it trumps god as the ultimate thing to depend on.
1/14/2010: new idea recently: feeling miserable w/o god, or even when god withdraws, actually winds up glorifying god. If he has brought me to such a place that when he's not in my life i fall apart, then that demonstrates that i need him, depend on him. And so whether i have him in me or not, just being in that state, being that kind of person, glorifies god.
(on 14 jan 2010 i accidentally deleted these bookmarks. fortunately, google had a cached copy from jan 7 2010. the accidental deletion happened cuz i hit DELETE at the bottom of a edit page. i thot that delete meant delete the change i was making, not the whole thread. dang :(