My brain on loudspeaker, 1/2/10
Hi all -
this started as an intro thread to my daily check-in, and quickly became too long for that. So, here you go...my brain on loudspeaker. :)
I feel a lot of shame today. I have clients coming back from the holidays and the work I've done for some of them has not been top-notch, so - I have a lot of fear around expecting them to be displeased.
The holidays have also screwed with my regular M-F schedule, and I've felt like I was just unproductively careening from one task to another with little peace of mind OR effectiveness.
I am glad things will, mostly, be back to "normal" come Monday.
I'm realizing, too, that while I've been "saying" to myself, "Yes, this is a compulsive behavior. Yes, I am out of control. Yes, I do need help," that, really - when push comes to shove...when I am sitting in front of the TV unable to get myself to get off the couch and out the door...when that panicked part of me starts screaming in my brain to "please get up please get up please"... At those times, that's when I need help the most I think. And that's when, perhaps not surprisingly, I reach out the least. I have such shame around how incapable I am in those moments. I just, really - I can't help myself. I'm stuck. And scared. And small.
But the thought that I need to reach out for some kind of intervention in those moments...feels shameful. Like I shouldn't have to. Shouldn't need to. And like, well - if I start asking for help now...it'll never stop. I'll just always need to keep asking for help. I'll just always need...This is interesting, this train of thought. I actually haven't looked into this part much.
I guess - I don't know when I won't need the help anymore, you know? I don't know when I'll stop needing (what feels like, to me) super intensive hand-holding. And I feel like I need to be able to say, "OK, I just need this for a little while and then you can go back to your life and you don't need to worry about me anymore." Which is so crazy, because I would never ask someone to be there for me all the time, every time. But then, feeling like I need to be able to NOT need help - that, of course, goes back to very young interactions with my mother.
And as I look at this, at these underlying issues to my procrastination...what I get present to is just how much pain there is under the surface for me. Just how much, unresolved, unexamined pain is there. Uck.
So - these are my ramblings for today. This is my mind on loudspeaker here and now.
Thanks for listening - MC