How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation

This isn't the one that did the anticrastination thing either - I've read more than I thought.

There was some talk in another forum about writing a scathing letter and not sending it, and I mentioned I'd just read about doing this in this book, and pro asked me to post about it, so here it is. (This isn't the bit that helped me anticrastinate, BTW, but I'll post that as well in a separate post).

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The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of July 1863. During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluges the country with rain. When Lee reached the Potomac with his defeated army, he found a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and a victorious Union Army behind him. Lee was in a trap. He couldn't escape. Lincoln saw that. Here was a golden, heaven-sent opportunity - the opportunity to capture Lee's army and end the war immediately. So, with a surge of hope, Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Lee immediately. Lincoln telegraphed his orders and then sent a special messenger to Meade demanding immediate action.

And what did General Meade do? He did th very opposite of what he was told to do. He called a council of war in direct violation of Lincoln's orders. He hesitated. He procrastinated. [Hey, I hadn't realised that was going to be in the bit I was posting!]He telegraphed all manner of excuses. He refused point-blank to attack Lee. Finally the waters receded and Lee escaped over the Potomac with his forces.

Lincoln was furious. "What does this mean?" Lincoln cried to his son Robert. "Great God! What does this mean? We had them within our grasp, and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours; yet nothing that I could say or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances, almost any general could have defeated Lee. If I had gone up there, I could have whipped them myself."

In bitter disappointment, Lincoln sat down and wrote Meade this letter. And remember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely conservative and restrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming from Lincoln in 1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke.

My dear General,

I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee's escape. He was within our easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly do so south of the river, when you can take with you very few - no more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand? It would be unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that you can now effect much. Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed immeasurably becuase of it.

What do you suppose Meade did when he read the letter?

Meade never saw that letter. Lincoln never mailed it. It was found among his papers after his death.

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(Vermillion edition pp 33- 35)

Carnegie then goes on to say why he thought Lincoln never sent the letter - that Lincoln considered the situation from Lee's point of view and understood the reasons for the procrastination, and he realised that although writing the letter would help relieve him of his feelings, it would impair Lee's further usefulness as a commander.

So sometimes it's worth writing the letter to work out your feelings (in our case, those feelings leading to procrastination), but if you send it you won't be winning any friends or having a positive influence!