So glad I finally decided to post...
Hi everyone, I'm new here. This is only my second time in my life posting on any forum so I'm kind of unsure of what to say, you know; not going too far and giving TMI...
I have been viewing this website since Fall '05 but have been too lazy to post to it. I think It's because although I was searching for some type of help or group of people who could understand my problem, I think I was still unable to REALLY admit that I was a chronic (psychological disordered/problemed) Procratinator. I mean, I knew I was - have known for a very long time, have even admitted it to people... but I think I worried that if I admitted it on a ligitimate website designed for Procrastinators It would ligitimize my being a Procratinator. Deep down I diddn't want to truly accept that I was a Procrast. for fear that it would become worse. I was content to still allow myself to believe deep-down that I was just a person who would not control my laziness.
Growing up, I had a mother who never procrastinated, but completed all of her her "tasks" in time to be in bed by 9 p.m. every night, even though she had plenty of help with her 5 children from me. In my opinion, the tasks she completed were always half-assed. (I have always beena perfectionist.)I strove to have everything done by 8 p.m. (I realized as an accomplished adult that that was unrealistic) each night like her so up until about age 16 I never procrastinated. The first time I did it I kind of realized "I didd'nt have to do it (the task ) NOW, - I could put it off until later, I had a "choice". I have NEVER allowed myself to forget this thought it fuels my every action, everyday.
It's been EXTREMELY down-hill from that "discovery". [In High School even I wrote an article entitled "Procrastination is a Disease" everyone thought it was a hilarious satire, but it was my attempt to reach out and see if anyone else was suffering from this. It seemed no one was.]
The sad part is that I think out of all the members of this(and probably other(s))forum I am the worst off. I have allowed Procrast.to ruin my life. I don't even have a job. I live off of my husband, who makes a significantly lower income between the two of us. I've been unemployed for a year and 2 months. 11 of those months I "busied" myself reading over and "summarizing" 12 unemployment/job search related books... Of course I told everyone - including my creditors/debtors that I was "looking", I was even putting off "summarizing" the books I was reading that were supposed to help me properly prepare TO prepare for my job search.I can't even quantifiy or clearly state what I had been doing over that time period. Many people ask me with my qualifications why I have been looking for so long. I try to tell them "the truth" about summarizing the books, and they look at me like I'm crazy AND a liar - Like "how could that possibly take so long???" Honestly in mid-July I really began actually looking for a job (interviws, etc.).
Procrast. has destroyed my credit (because of my not working - my husband's tiny income can only support so much)we can hardly find an apartment to live in (My rental history is destroyed because although I was a good tenent in my last apartment. I left owing them $1,000+ dollars within a payment plan, became broke and was unable to pay what we had already agreed, put off renegotiating the payments because of embarrassment, they turned it over to a debt-collection agency) and I currently live with my in-laws whom I hate and hate me. That in itself has nearly torn my new marriage to shreads, besides destroying our once high-quality of life, making us broke and nearly destitute.
Although I graduated with a Bachelors of Science (and a little Masters DEgree Coursework) within 4 years against almost impossible odds, AND am a 6-year US Army Veteran. My Procrast. takes upon so many forms, I think deep down I've given up fighting it. I was once a very motivated person (although still a procrast.) now I am even robbed of that.
I am a perfectionist, because I am so afraid of not maximizing my opportunities, information, whatever - I make one small task into 6 preporatory ones before I can even begin the main one (especially in my so-called job search) I had a very authoritative (and abusive) step-father who ruled over my every breath (until 16), I have the tendency to overwork myself - when I do get the motivation- so I tell myself I deserve "a break",also making me what to do a task even less then next time I need to because I worked for 16 hours straight, and forget using other tasks to procras. - I have used OTHER PEOPLE- ALONG WITH TASKS - even my own husband (pretending I wanted more "quality time" with him) FOR YEARS!I have impossible time-completion standards (thinking I can get 8 hrs of work done in 4)And all of this is only the begining. I also always have so much to do, I'm always behind the ball - I feel like no matter how much, or what I do, I will never complete everything, so why bother at all...I have lost friends (and even some family)because I put off (while thinking about them everyday) sending a simple letter or e-mail for YEARS!
I am looking for "friends" who share these problems and who know how this feels. I really don't think anyone can help me here (Because I'm too far gone and like I said I think my procrast. is far worse than anyone else's here) but I sure would like someone to talk to that can identify with me. I was thinking of doing check-ins or book-ending here. But who am I kidding, I will probably just procrastinate going to this website. And I'm so ashamed of even needing to resort to something like this. What kind of person am I that I have such a lack of self-control? I have fought and fought and fought over the years... I feel like it's a dying battle.