Procrastinators Anonymous

i have controlling parents... growing up i didnt actually know i had one since you know... i believed that's just how every family works. but back then i already did stuffs like those above. i didnt immediately do what they wanted, instead i felt i needed to resist...then when they think i wouldnt do it anymore then that was the time i did it. my earliest memory i'd estimate at around 6-8.

its hurting me now in the workplace... procrastination...once i have been asked what to do i stagnate, i didnt lose the job by being fired. i lost it because i quit. even now at job hunting im starting to worry freak which i shouldn't. i can do it, but i seem to lose my confidence with these things. 

This looks like an interesting topic. Demand-resistance sounds a lot like my problem. Will need to read more about it.
The article does not seem to offer any solutions unfortunately. :/

I grew up in a very abusive "christian" home, I figured out at 10yrs old how to somewhat take care of myself with a paper route that kept me away from home when not at school and gave me $ to fill in needs.  As a teen I was highly rebelious, again avoiding my homelife and making my own way, making sure I was safe and taken care of.  Fast forward many years, I have a wonderful family and an amazing husband.  Me and the Big Man Upstairs have reconciled as what happened was not His doing.  BUT... My husband is a happily self proclaimed spoiler, what woman wouldn't want that?  LOL!  I find I get a rebelious streak whenever anything is "required" of me now.  My business(es) have failed for poor upkeep (self employed seemed best since I didn't like having a boss), my marriage has suffered because of the financial ramifications also but I could never figure out what happened between being a self-made young girl and then woman too PATHETIC and unable to do the tiniest task without panic attacks.  I have aversion medicines and "therapy" as I want to fix me all by myself.   I've recognized my own self-sabbotage, and see it in my teen son as well....Good Lord, help me! 

 I have taken great steps to NOT be like my mother and try to accept her and her beliefs with a grain of salt.  Now, I must take greater steps to make sure I break this cycle before my kids are sucked into self sabatoge too!  My handsome, smart, funny, 15yr old son has been removed from his swim team 2yrs now for not making academic requirements.  He starts out with A/B and then as soon as he has success (several 1st places) it all comes crashing down.  It's a cycle I know, I just didn't hit it this young.....or maybe I didn't have anyone that noticed this young....That's more like it probably.

I feel as if I have a chance to fight it when I can put my finger on the broken down bridge between the tenacious child who wanted the WHOLE WORLD and the grown woman that just wants to disappear. 

Thank you for the point of reference for battling this demon. 

This is exactly me. ahh i make lists constantly because they temporarily give me some peace. but i hate it. i can't stop. is there something i can do that will just make me do what i need to do? is there something that can just get me through like 1 month? thats all i need. should i get someone to watch me do my work? like look over my shoulder constantly? does that work?

Here is an interesting youtube video that relates to the origins of the demand resistance dynamic. I don't know anything about this guy,but what he's talking about struck a chord with me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1WC6hNTONg

After reading this article and the comments, it has become abundantly clear how driven I am by Demand Resistance.  For a long time, I've wondered why I resist my own goals.  I set them and then rebell against them!   After reading this information, I realized (duh-h-h) that I turn my 'wants' into 'shoulds'.

I've never done well with authority figures, especially in employment situations.  I haven't worked for anyone else for years because of this.

I'm not sure how to proceed from this awareness, other than through acceptance and a continuing awareness of when my Demand Resistance is active so that I can switch to the question "What do I want?"

Peace,
Karen

Demand-resistance is a huge issue of mine. I do tend to automatically convert things to "shoulds". It's as though as soon as I become aware that it might be useful to do x thing, I feel I "should" do it and then I take it a step further and feel I should have already done it! Ugh! Trying to be conscious of the shoulds and change them to "I want to" or "I choose to" has been helpful (and requires a fair amount of mental effort and awareness).

Another thing I've found helpful with demand-resistance to writing (arguably my biggest problem) came after I "remembered" (I never really forgot, just didn't think about it in this context) that when I was a kid, I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. But years ago, I pretty much stopped doing any kind of writing for myself, for pleasure, etc. (I also pretty much stopped reading outside of work, except for self-help books.) A few months ago, I decided to start writing in a journal daily (and reading too). When I do this, I find that my demand-resistance to writing for work, and to some extent to other things too, is greatly decreased (though I may procrastinate for other reasons). When I don't do the journal writing, I really really resent writing for work.

In reading some of pro's synopses of the work by Mallinger, I happened to catch the name out of the corner of my eye and it looked like Mal-linger (as in malingering--an old-fashioned term for procrastination!) The poor guy was destined to work in this field!

I need to go sit quietly and think, as 1Focus just pointed out to me, but I wanted to post about this one thing while it was on my mind (and before I forget)...

Mallinger talks about how obsessives often resist taking medication because of the lack of control it implies. I'm totally there. I have a chronic, autoimmune problem and I'm supposed to take 9 pills a day (3 pills, 3 times a day), and historically I simply haven't done it, though my doctor has warned me repeatedly that not taking the pills increases my risk of cancer. Lately I've been taking them because I've had a flare (that's my pattern - take them when I'm flaring and then stop), but I want to keep taking them though the flare is now subsiding. That's why I put pills on my to-do list each day - so I don't conveniently forget.

I realized this same "medication resistance" is operating in another way. I make a medicinal protein shake that has special ingredients that help with my problem. It's very tasty and full of nutrition. When I'm extremely sick, it's all I can eat. It also has the advantage of being low calorie, and beats the hell out of SlimFast as a meal replacement. When I come back from the gym and I'm hungry, one of these shakes is a very good idea. It's liquid so it hydrates me, and it contains both fruit juice (sugar) and protein to rebuild tired muscles.

But I resist doing this because it's medicinal and I don't like taking medicine. That's nuts! Just thought I'd mention this. ;)

I'm very acutely aware of my Demand Resistance around the things that I feel I "must" do today - pay credit card bills (or pay late charges), answer customer email, etc. Literally the only reason I don't want to do these things is I feel I "must" do them. Mallinger says it's very important to become aware of when you are experiencing this, in the moment.

I'm trying to take Mallinger's suggestion and think about how actually I want to do these things, because I want the positive consequences of doing them, and want to avoid the negative consequences. Right now I'm in a mode of never wanting to do anything that has external demands associated with it, and that's a huge problem. It makes every day a struggle - at war with myself. Even when I do what I'm supposed to be doing I feel miserable - like my head is being held under water.

Pushing myself out of procrastination (aka compulsive avoidance) by brute force works sometimes, but I really want to resolve the root cause because - well, basically, feeling this way makes me miserable. The Demand Resistance guarantees a hellish life. Either I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and hating it and resenting it, or I'm not doing it and suffering very bad consequences.

Mallinger says that the root of Demand Resistance is converting every "want" to a "should" so quickly and automatically that you lose touch with what you want. This leads to a fragile sense of self so you protect yourself from being overrun through Demand Resistance. He says the solution is to get back in touch with what you want by asking yourself "What do I want" throughout the day, even about simple things. This strengthens your sense of self so you don't need to automatically resist every demand. I'm doing this, and it helps.

In "Too Perfect", Mallinger distinguishes between Demand Sensitivity and Demand Resistance. They often go together, but they aren't the same thing.

Demand Sensitivity is a tendency to see demands everywhere and experience them acutely.

Demand Resistance is a negative inner response to perceived pressure, expectations, or demands, from within or without.

Demand Sensitive people automatically translate "I want" to "I should", and "I don't want" to "I can't". This grows out of the desire to be perfect and beyond approach to ensure safe passage through life. It's more comfortable to feel their decisions and actions are dictated by outside forces because then they can't be held responsible for bad choices. Also, "I should" sounds less selfish than "I want".

There are many bad consequences to this, but perhaps the worst is a diluted sense of self. Your likes and dislikes are an important part of a stable sense of self. If you can't take a clear position, there's no "you". When you don't have a clear, stable sense of self, you are vulnerable to being overrun by strong personalities. This can lead to Demand Resistance - automatically resisting any perceived demand, whether real or imagined.

Demand Resistance is a way to defend against being overpowered or controlled by others, leading to a total loss of self. It's also a way for people to show themselves that they can impact others. Their ability to frustrate others asserts their personal power.

Demand Resistance usually originates in childhood, as a response to an overcontrolling parent. In childhood it's an effective means of self-protection, but then it becomes overdeveloped, indiscriminate, and automatic. Procrastination sabotages work, and even potentially pleasant activities come to be perceived as a burden. It can also interfere with relationships by an oversensitivity to perceived expectations. (Problems with commitment and demand resistance often go together.)

I've posted in other threads how I'm very out of touch with what I want - my personal dreams. This totally fits with my obvious Demand Resistance. Every "want" is turned into a "should" so quickly that I lose track of what I want and like so there is no "me". Then the only way to assert a "me" is to resist demands. This gives me a sense of control and identity.

Mallinger says that Demand Sensitivity is more common than Demand Resistance, and Demand Resistance can be difficult to recognize because it's often cloaked as something else ("I don't like my job", etc.). Not in my case, however - I'm screamingly Demand Resistant. It couldn't be more obvious.

He says the most important step in overcoming Demand Resistance is to recognize it as it's happening. Pay attention to how often you say "I should" or "I have to" rather than "I want". Try to catch yourself in the habit of doing this, and correct it - learn to say "I want" (requires figuring out what you want ;) ).

This morning I read the chapter in "Too Perfect" on Demand Resistance. It was very interest. The core of it is automatically translating "I want" into "I should" - even when it's something you've decided to do for yourself. He said the key to overcoming demand resistance is to (1) be aware of it, and (2) get in touch with your wants, your desires. I'm very out of touch with that.

He describes some very interesting reasons why people with demand resistance translate "I want" into "I should" and are out of touch with what they want, but I'm too hungry to write it out now. Need lunch. ;)

New -- dealing with demand resistance?

This is an excerpt from an article about the "six keys to creating the life you desire" by Mitch Meyerson and Laurie Ashner:

Competence -the Fourth Key

If you want a place in the sun, you must leave the shade of the family tree.
--Osage saying

Although there may be no direct cause and effect, there are two types of situations that appear to sap motivation early on. These are (1) overparenting, or having controlling parents who see their children as extensions of themselves, and (2) underparenting, or having neglectful or abusive parents.

If you find you can't move forward toward your goals, you may suffer from demand resistance and a subconscious sense of entitlement, caused from overparenting. For example, if you make daily lists of things to do, which you seldom complete, you are being demand resistant. You may be the only one who will suffer if you don't take your car in to be serviced, but you still resent doing it and never quite find time for it. These kinds of things occur because you hate being told what to do, even when you're the one giving the orders. Sometimes you avoid having to engage in active types of conflict, promising to do something but never following through on the promise. Withholding what another requests of you allows you to assert your power.

Some people who had neglectful or abusive parents are filled with panic because of the necessity of asserting themselves. The reason is that those people may have never had any support for taking such stands; consequently, they struggle with a lack of faith in their own beliefs.

It is important to understand that you may habitually perceive all tasks as demands, either on your time or your confidence. To create the success you want in life, it is essential that you disarm your demand resistance, so you can move freely toward achieving the goals you set for yourself.

There is a book called "Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control" that has a whole chapter on demand resistance.

Demand-Resistance.

Obsessives tend to be especially sensitive to demands, either real or imagined. This is called “’demand-resistance,’ a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expectations, or demands (from within or without.