I am sure...
...that I'm about to be fired.
I've been fired from virtually every job I've ever had. I simply can't function in a hierarchy. I don't like being told what to do. The only job where I ever succeeded was where I was allowed to act independently.
And my businesses succeed - except that I procrastinate and don't finish what I started. There's much untapped potential there.
I know I can be fired on the spot since it's happened to me before - no "notice". I don't know if I'd get severence from a nonprofit, but I suspect not.
I told my family before I got this job that I cannot hold a job and I needed to develop my businesses. My mother (now dead) and brother (who I no longer speak to) both bullied me into getting a regular job. I'm proving I was right.
I'm a little scared because I'm not currently making enough from my businesses to support myself and I have this procrastination problem. But I'm not feeling the self-loathing I usually go through when I lose a job. This is just who I am. I can't work for other people. That's just my personality. It can work if I have a hands-off boss, but not the condescending micromanager I work for now.
I begged to be transferred to another manager - talked to HR multiple times, talked to my boss's boss (at HR's suggestion). No one would help me. I knew I'd get fired if I continued working for my current manager and it's getting close. We had an argument today and I did not pull punches. I think I did this because the nature of my job has changed and I don't enjoy it anymore. So I have nothing to lose.
Well, I have a lot to lose, especially in this scary economic time. But I don't care. I want to develop my businesses. Last time I was unemployed I didn't do it because I got severely depressed (a relationship was ending, too). This time I'm in therapy so I have emotional support.
- By pro at 23 Oct 2008 - 5:28pm
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losing this job could be the best thing that ever happened to me
I really need to add this sentiment to this thread, because more and more I'm realizing that what I have here is a huge opportunity to restart my freelance writing career. I'm getting a second chance at something I blew the first time around, for various reasons and in various ways.
I am realizing that - if I don't screw it up - I could end up being happily self-employed with work that I love. I just have to grab it. I have to do the networking and turnaround the work that comes in quickly and basically "show up". If I can do that, I think I'm going to be more than all right.
I'm feeling more hopeful today - about my career and my life - than I have in years. I have so many wonderful people around me telling me that I'm valuable and they care about me. I have amazing support. Plus I have people who believe in me and respect my work and put their reputations on the line to recommend me to hiring managers. With all these gifts, how can I fail if I do my part?
So there is a silver lining to this storm cloud - I really do believe. I've been given a second chance. It's a little bit exciting.
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You go Pro!
It has been two days since I last checked in. Got sick and it has taken me out of commission. After feeling so bad for two days and finally getting around to checking in again this is the first post that I read and it has just made my day. I am so glad for you and I could hear the excitement in your "voice" as I read your post. You will be a great freelance writer. Best wishes to you and congrats to you.
hope-faith
Pro Hopeful
It's wonderful to hear that! You go, Pro!
Jo
"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom." - H.L. Mencken
yes!
Isn't that great when you can see all the possibilities and have nothing restricting you from taking them?
When the newspaper I worked for...
...went out of business 13 years ago, indeed it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me...
So I know all about silver linings. I'm glad you, too, are experiencing that in your situation.
The Hero's Code:
Show up. Pay Attention. Speak the Truth. Let Go of the Outcome.
pro reminds me
the above post from pro reminds me of something I meant to share here before and forgot: I believe that once we have take Step 3 and mean it, we never again experience "rejection," only protection.
Certainly that's been my experience, although it takes that 20/20 hindsight even now to remember that!
maybe I read it wrong
Yesterday was my last day at work. There's no doubt I had serious problems with my boss, but I'm now reassessing whether they moved my job to get rid of me. I think they may have moved my job because they needed to move my job - wasn't personal.
Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. Many friends at work helping me with leads for freelance writing work. They are taking me out for lunch tomorrow. It was going to be yesterday, but there were scheduling problems.
So I'm feeling a little better about all this. I have SO MUCH to do to get income flowing again!
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Sometimes I feel like
Sometimes I feel like these times in life are kind of like shedding an old skin. I would imagine it must feel very uncomfortable to be in an old tight skin and how much more difficult to get out of then a diving suit! But after the struggle, you get out and feel so much more free in a flexible skin that actually fits your body as it is now. That struggle is a necessary discomfort for growing. How wonderful to have folks come together who recognize your abilities and want to help!
being reborn in times of trouble
I've been very touched and moved by the many people who have reached out to help me in this crisis - including many people here who helped with the costs of this site (I just paid the hosting fee for the coming year). People from my work life are introducing me to those who can hire, etc. It's really great. I'd be a dead duck without this help!
If I could get my freelance writing career back on track, I'd be one happy camper. I was a freelance writer for many years, and blew that career - I hate to say it, but a major reason was procrastination. People do not like to hire a freelancer who is always late. Now I'm writing on a different topic - all new people - and I have a chance to start new. These are contacts and opportunities I have because of the job I just lost. So this has the potential to be a really great thing - if I don't blow it! So I'm trying very hard not to blow it.
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Pro, reading your posts and
Pro, reading your posts and hearing all you are doing is an inspiration. Yay! Keep up the courage!
I learned from a hypnotist that our subconscious interprets 'don'ts' as 'do-s', so if I say, for example, 'i'd better stop being a slob' at one level the self-talk just reinforces being a slob. I've been trying to experiment with more positive self talk and affirmations and i think it's helped me... Now I try to say 'I am becoming neater, I can take the next step, with HP's help I am a person who gets things done'. Over serveral months, I think it has helped me find more energy to do this.
Follow those leads
See, maybe it's not all about you.
More seriously, this helps remind you that you are so much more than your work. Regardless of why your job evaporated, you have friends (from work, even) who wish you well and offer help.
Feel better about it, and follow the leads people offer. Freelance anything sounds like it's more your style than the daily grind.
--
flexiblefine
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheNowHabit/
struggling to know I'm okay
I know that not everyone can hold a job in a hierarchy. I know my own mother could not have - good thing she was able to make a living through self-employment. My father also was self-employed, and actually did lose the one job he had working for someone else. My sister could not hold a job, and lucky for her got married just after my father died so she has a husband to support her.
I know - rationally - that this is just a stylistic thing, a personality thing. Some people are born chiefs and simply cannot be indians. There's no better or worse. It's just not in my make-up to be able to get any kind of satisfaction from a job where I'm just doing the bidding of someone else. I find it demeaning and humiliating. I just can't do it. I either rebel against it or lose all motivation to work. Either one gets me fired.
And yet, I am struggling in a very big way with the danger of taking in the opinion held of me by my soon-to-be-former employer. They detest me and want to get rid of me. They don't value me. They think I'm just a problem to make go away. I can understand their perspective. I don't have a lot natural ego strength, and it's very easy for me to take on this perspective and go to a place of self-hatred, of thinking I really am inadequate and without value. I'm really struggling with this.
I would appreciate hearing stories of people who cannot hold a hierarchical job and yet are valuable and successful in other contexts - if anyone has any. I guess I'm looking for reassurance that there is another way to look at this.
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Pro ... BDA ?
Hi Pro. I saw in another post within this thread that you are considering D.A. meetings.
Might I suggest "Business Owners Debtors Anonymous" (called BDA or BODA)? They work on empowering people who are (or want to be) self-employed ... how to work on a business plan, how to find your own path, etc. -- and you "Pay yourself a salary".
http://www.debtorsanonymous.org/BusinessDA.htm
I've never been self-employed, so I don't have any stories of my own. But perhaps people in BDA might have stories of interest?
You could always take what you need and leave the rest.
Just a thought.
Business Owner's DA
Hi Moving,
Thanks for thinking of me. I know about BDA and used to go regularly. I'm planning to resume this now - it's very helpful.
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Sending inspiration to Pro
Hello Pro.
Just thought, if you're feeling down, you might want to read something. Several members here have contributed and more contributions are always welcomed. I find that the thread picks me up and inspires me.
You've given so much. Just thought I'd send some hope your way.
http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/1624
Hugs,
movingalong
Hi pro,
I’ve been a member for only one day but that was enough to realize that you are 100% right in your assumption that you work best independently - your initiative in creating and maintaining this website is the living proof of that !!!
Best wishes,
Amy
If you can't move the mountain, move a few stones.
special delivery for Pro
love is the cure
If I ever had any doubt that love is the cure for just about anything that ails you, I don't doubt it anymore. I just read through this thread again - the messages that you all posted when I first wrote a month ago that I expected to be fired, and the messages you posted after it happened. Your messages of love and faith give me strength - you are carrying me on your shoulders.
I was up most of last night (crying) and I'm very tired. I'm going to brush my teeth and get ready for bed now, though it's not even 9pm yet. I think I will sleep easier tonight.
Again, thank you to everyone who sent love, wisdom and support, and to everyone who sent money to help me pay the upcoming host registration bill for this site. I deeply appreciate both.
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Thinking of you Pro. I
Thinking of you Pro. I wanted to leave you a message to find when you first check the board again this Saturday.
I'm one of many of us across the globe who feels so grateful for what this board has meant, and the hope it has brought for progress against procrastination. I was glad to hear that you'd been cheered and touched by the replies.
Please keep checking in to let us know how you're doing; there's acceptance here for all ups and downs and we're all rooting for you .....
And even if you are feeling low right now, I believe that the person with the talent, knowledge, vision, dedication, altruism and commitment to make this site and keep it going will find some blessings aroung the corner.
Thinking of you Pro
Today I got a call from a student that I taught 6 years ago, he joined the Army after graduating from High School. He called me from Iraq and I was so excited to hear from him and so honored that he would call me. He called me to thank me for all that I had done to help him get through High School. He was academically challenged and struggled just to get passing grades. His mother had aides and he supported her both financially and emotionally there were so many times that I thought that I would lose this young man. Yet he has made it, and doing very well.
I am surprised that I made it through my teenage years. I tried on more than one occasional to take my life. I was an emotional basket case and felt so unloved and worthless. Today as I drove home from school thinking of my student and you, I came to realize how much value my life has and that if I had been successful in taking my own life then so many people would have missed out because I was not here. Pro I can tell that you are a wonderful person and that you have touched so many lives not only on this forum but in daily life as well. I also know that you have many more lives to touch and there are many people left to touch your life as well.Pro stay strong, find support and realize how much meaning your life does have.
As for starting you own business set you mind on it and just do it. You can do it. Look at all that you do to maintain this site. You have it within yourself to do anything that you set your mind to. I know that what I am saying is easier said than done but you have the capacity (again look what you do for this site) and the tools (this forum, your support group and therapist) make it work for you. YOU CAN DO IT
Best of Luck to you. You will continually be in my thoughts and prayers, and we are all here for you.
hope-faith
having value to others
Thanks, hope-faith. That self-worth thing is the crux of it for me. When I go down that road, it's so painful I don't want to live. That's always the big danger for me, and it's a hole I easily fall into. My self-esteem is very fragile due to how I grew up.
As an adult I'm fairly isolated in my life - trust issues, perhaps - and often it feels like no one else would care (or hardly even know) if I were alive or dead. Being that isolated, when things in my life go wrong, ending my life seems like a reasonable option.
But you people here are giving me an "It's a Wonderful Life" moment. You keep telling me that people can touch the lives of others in unexpected ways. I started this site really for myself, because I needed a site like this and it didn't exist. By some amazing blessing, it has attracted the most loving and supportive group of people imaginable. As much as I have given to this site, it has given back to me a thousand-fold. I hope that others here are helped even a fraction as much as all of you are helping me now.
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gentle pro
Please be gentle with yourself, Pro. You are a precious, unique, gifted creation of a Higher Power - An HP who, from before the beginning of time, has always wanted a Pro just like you -- Who knew everything about you, and still chose to give you Power to live despite a sick family, alcoholism, addiction, ADD -- Power to help others, to create this site, to know cool stuff others don't know and to use it for good, to share your pain and progress, even your grief, with others who are helped by your sharing.
I hope it's not inappropriate to suggest this here, but I get a lot of help with the feelings you describe at Alanon. Despite many years sober in AA, I couldn't "get" letting go of other people's impact on me and often felt suicidally depressed and anxious about it. Finally someone suggested Alanon - and it has helped me alot. It felt strange at first but I stuck with it, and found myself growing again at last. In fact, Alanon gave me the courage to become active on PA - you might remember I sat dormant almost 2 years first.
If that sounds awfully high-maintenance - AA, OA, Alanon and PA! - it's true. But today I believe I'm worth it. You are too, Pro! My ESH is to treat yourself like a beginner for awhile: Easy Does It. First Things First. Please in the Morning and Thank You at Night. One Day at a Time. And: Don't Drink If Your Ass Falls Off! I'm here for you, Pro - as you've always been here for me.
Agnus - you're right about Al-Anon
I've been to Al-Anon, and I know you're right - they are very helpful. It's a good suggestion to start going again. There are some great meetings in my neighborhood.
Thanks for the reminder, and your beautiful supportive message. You give me more than you know - everybody here does.
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Songs for Pro
I love these songs!! They are so perfect!
I hope my neighbors don't mind too much my playing "The Animals" at top volume ("We gotta get outta this place - if it's the last thing we ever do..."). Maybe I should find my headphone.
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thank you, journey!!
This is so awesome! Thank you so much for the smile.
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trying not to go "there"
The loss of my job has me in a very bad place. I'm a little bit suicidal, and I'm trying not to go there - that depression hole. I told my therapist, but I don't think she takes it seriously. I don't know; maybe she does.
I'm too isolated, too old, and I don't have the confidence I used to have to try things and take chances. I'm lonely and unhappy. I don't enjoy life. I'm tired, discouraged, my health is bad, and I've lived more than half my life anyway - maybe end it a little early?
My only chance is self-employment. That's what I'm temperamentally suited for and there's plenty of evidence that I could make this succeed, but I somehow can't believe in it anymore, or believe in myself. I'm too lonely, too tired. I've been beaten down too many times. I don't know how to believe in myself anymore.
My mother said to me before she died (I was unemployed and suicidal then, too) that she was very unhappy in her life and she didn't off herself - that it wasn't an option, that I had to keep going like she did. So I did. But she's no longer here and I can't bear the aloneness. I have no one, and my health is poor, too (though better than it's been since she died - I got extremely ill after she died).
I wish I had the confidence and the optimism I had when I was younger. I absolutely hate working in organizations and I frequently get fired or forced out within two years, unless I luck into a position where I can have a lot of independence. I loved being an entrepreneur. But my confidence is shaken, and the isolation leaves me paralyzed. I don't have that energy and optimism anymore, and you have to have that to be an entrepreneur.
I went to a meeting tonight, and someone shared that low self-esteem was the dangerous thing he had to guard against because that's what he drank over (he was 22 years sober). Low self-esteem is what will kill me, too. I'm still sober - so far. I have 11.5 years, but tonight it was a struggle.
Thanks very much to those who are helping with the cost of this site. I very much appreciate it!
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sending hugs to Pro
Hi Pro!
I am just getting on the board this evening & hearing your news. I'm so sorry! Please take care of yourself and keep coming back, and keep going to your other meetings, too! Being around other people is important, and then we are here 24/7, too (thanks to you!). I know this board helps me a lot, and I really appreciate all you do!!! Keep letting us know how you are doing!!! Hugs!!!
Recycler
Thank you, gals & guys, for being here!
Brother/ Sister,
I've not been here long at all, but my life has changed completely since you accepted my account. What you have made here is nothing short of a lifeline. And it is amazing to see all these people you've helped reach out for you when you're in need of hauling up.
I didn't have any idea what to say when i began writing this, but now i know i've got to join in a single voice with everyone else here; sending Love and Strength to You.
the wonderful love people here are sending me
I am humbled and strengthened and buoyed by the incredible support that you and others here are giving to me at a time of crisis. What a blessing! You are wonderful people and I can feel your love. It means more to me than I can say. Thank you.
At a time when my self-esteem is tipping into the toilet (as it has a tendency to do), there is no better medicine than to hear I've been able to help someone else. That is a great gift to me. I am very grateful.
And again thank you to the people who have reached into their pockets to help me pay for the hosting and domain registration for this site! It's badly needed and much appreciated.
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I'm reading every message...
I also want to add that even if I don't reply to every message posted here, I'm reading every one and each one is so helpful - I really can't find the words. You are all wonderful people, so kind to take the time to reach out to me, and 12-step programs are a miracle.
When I was at the AA meeting last night, I was sobbing and they all just wrapped me up in their arms, so to speak, as people do in AA. They pulled me in the door, made sure I had a seat (this meeting is always very crowded). What a miracle 12-step is. It's just a blessing beyond blessings.
I seem to be at a loss for words all around today. I'm just so incredibly grateful to my wonderful friends here and in the wider 12-step world. 12-step saves lives - no doubt about it. It's pure love - because it's pure understanding.
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I hope you know...
What a big difference you make in the lives of everyone here with the work you do here.
Know that you are loved and that even in your most wounded place, God is with you to share your pain.
As others have said: be gentle with yourself now.
The Hero's Code:
Show up. Pay Attention. Speak the Truth. Let Go of the Outcome.
One day at a time
Take it one day at a time, pro. What you do today doesn't determine your success or failure in life. Think about today today, leave tomorrow for tomorrow, and let yesterday take its place in the past. One day at a time, you can work yourself into anything you want.
In your original post, you wrote "It can work if I have a hands-off boss, but not the condescending micromanager I work for now." Well, now you don't have that person to condescend to you and hassle you anymore. Take a breath and give thanks for that.
Give thanks also for life, health, and the community you've built here -- people who share your experiences and really do understand what you're going through right now.
"I don't have that energy and optimism anymore, and you have to have that to be an entrepreneur." Just as those things can be unlearned, so too can they be learned again. I'm not going to suggest that it's quick and easy, and neither will your therapist, but it can be done.
Spend time thinking, writing in a journal, if you're not doing it already. Getting thoughts down on paper requires putting words to them, and finally expressing them helps you to see them from the outside and deal with them instead of letting them fester in your mind.
Make sure your therapist understands you've been here before, and you're close to doing something drastic. Spend time talking out those feelings and dealing with the despair. Don't hide anything from yourself or from your therapist, because you don't want anything sneaking up on you later.
Take a new view of working for someone else -- you're only doing it as a bridge until your own businesses can support you on their own. You're not promising to spend a 25-year career with your next employer, and you know they're not promising 25 years to you either. Work for someone else while you have to, then work on your own because you love it.
Find work -- something seasonal or short-term at the moment, because idleness is bad for troubled minds. Every dollar will help, and you can get out of your current setting and its reminders of all the things it's not.
Lastly... of course I donated.
--
flexiblefine
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheNowHabit/
pro
I am so very sad to hear you write how hard life is: I have been more depressed than usual myself lately. If it were not for this fellowship which you founded I would not get out of bed at all these days. I would not have a chatroom to go to, nor a group of people around the globe through whose words I feel my HP. Being unemployed at this time is very very hard, and having the motivation to try and produce when already down is beyond difficult.
Please know that you are in my heart and prayers and that I hope that we can be as much support to you as you have been for us. When you are down, please come talk in the chatbox. You are not alone.
Please don't leave us Pro!
Pro, I 'm still a new comer
Pro, I 'm still a new comer to electronic communities, and still learning about how real they are, or are not.
But electronically at least, you are not alone--we are all so grateful for what you do and are here for you. I have enormous admiration for the quality of your choices and info on this site, as well as your commitment and ongoing work on it. It is really a splendid achievement. The feeling of being along is real for anyone feeling it, and there's no arguing with that because it just is.
When anyone is way down in a hole, it's almost impossible to have the faith that the world will ever look different. I have been there, I guess many of us have. I don't know what else to say except that I hope you can find some sparks of hope and faith and take courage from having come through a really tough time before.
Sending my good thoughts your way and wishing you strength.
I was fired today - need help
Please, people, contribute to the costs of this Web site. The hosting bill is due December 6. I am no longer employed - it will be a hardship for me to maintain this site without help. To contribute, visit this link:
http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/292
Thank you.
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hugs to pro!
I'll sign up for a monthly contribution.
Thanks so much for the work you do on this site, despite all you're going through.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
thinking of you Pro--I'll
thinking of you Pro--I'll contribute, of course. And wishing you find the strength and support from friends that you need, and that your own business can start to flourish
Love to Pro
I'm very sorry to hear the hard news. My prayers are with you.... HP has a plan, and I am sure things will turn out for the better.
I'll see what I can scrape up to contribute to the website....
ack
sorry to hear that! I can spare some when the check comes for a recent invoice. And if you can get me to clock 40+ hours/week, then I can help out more.
For pro
That's rough, pro! I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.
I just signed up for a small monthly contribution to the site, and I hope others will, too.
The site is such a wonderful source of support for so many people; you deserve our support in return.
Falcon
thanks, Falcon
Thanks, Falcon. I very much appreciate it.
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hey pro - y'ok?
wondering how you did on the job. Consider yourself hugged in any case...been thinking of you today.
thanks for remembering, Agnus
I wiggled out of the conversation yesterday by inviting someone else to the meeting (to discuss a project). So far that has worked, but I don't rule out another condescending scolding (or worse) at our next meeting.
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congrats for avoiding a tricky situation!
and good luck with future conversations, let us know how it goes!
yucky conversation today
I have a meeting with my awful boss today to discuss things. I am dreading it. I do not want to kiss ass anymore - it's too humiliating. At the same time, I do not want to be out of control with anger. I want to be polite and dignified. I wonder if I'm capable of that. We'll see.
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good luck pro!
hope your conversation goes well.
Hope things go well....
Pro,
I hope things go well with your meeting today.
hope-faith
For Pro
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you this morning, Pro. These situations remind me of the AA reminders in Step 10 about "self-restraint of tongue and pen" - another way of suggesting that good old-fashioned habit of counting to 10 before I react, and asking HP to keep me calm.
Thanks for reminding me why I am self-employed!