New member, first post
This is my first post here - I've been lurking around for a quite a while. I've been a chronic procrastinator for a long, long time... I think since high school. It started affecting my quality of life in a significant way in college and grad school, and much more so in the past few years of professional life. I am unable to do even simple tasks at work.,. there are days when I do absolutely nothing, and there are days hwen I work like a dog to get stuff done by deadlines. Even when I do manage to finish projects, the end-result always seems so sub-standard or mediocre. It's always a disappointment, whether the task gets done or not - a lose-lose situation. It makes me so damn depressed. Somehow, I get away with all this - I still get pretty good feedback from my peers and supervisors, which seems really odd to me. I keep thinking it is just a matter of time before I'm fired. I was given something to do over a month ago, which I've been thinking about all the time and every day, but have made absolutely no progress on. It's literally the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I drift off to sleep, hanging over me like a huge cloud. I keep telling myself, why get so stressed over a simple powerpoint deck and some stupid quantitative analysis - it should take me 3-4 hours at most to complete. But I simply can't get myself to start - I don't even want to open the damn file. Each time I'm on the computer, I just spend hours surfing the Internet. A couple of times I've stayed up the whole night this way. Complete and utter paralysis. Every night I set my alarm to 6am and every morning I wake up not earlier than 9am. It's like I'm incapable of controlling my sleep patterns. I've absolutely no discipline in this respect. I've walked into work as late as 11 or 11:30am several times, missed so many college classes, even walked in late to exams. And I as I said, I still manage to save face in front of others, but even that is getting harder and harder now. I'm running out of excuses to make and I'm sick of lying to them and myself.
Anyway, this powerpoint deck, I need to finish in the next 3 hours. For the past 10 hours, it's literally all I've been thinking about, while at the same time avoiding it. It's not like I think about it in detail either. Other than, "I have to finish this," nothing else comes to mind.
I'm so tired of all this. It feels like such a lame condition to be in.